[NTLK] You can be right or you can be intimate

From: Robert Wright (rwright730_at_earthlink.net)
Date: Wed Mar 24 2004 - 09:37:59 PST


My therapist likes to say ³you can be right or you can be intimate² which
means basically we all have a choice between coming together by sharing how
we feel or splitting into factions over issues.
We have all had the experience of fighting with our significant others over
some issue or something said. Mostly it boils down to someone did
something, and the otherıs feelings are hurt.

Now we can implore all we want about how we didnıt mean to hurt that persons
feelings by what we said or did. And weıd probably be right about it. But
the wound exists, the feelings are hurt, and a little trust is lost each
time.

The way to restore the relationship, the trust, and the intimacy is to
acknowledge the feelings first.

Ikem, without trying to presume to know all about what you feel, it is clear
that you were hurt by Jaredıs remarks. I acknowledge this and understand
what it is like to feel hurt. It sucks, plain and simple. And to hazard
further, you feel a loss of intimacy with the group. Who are these people?
Why would they say hurtful things? I understand your anger, and I am not
afraid of it.

By sharing your anger, if we as a group can share your feelings for a
second, we understand more about you as a human being, which is so difficult
to do on this internet thing-y.

We also need to validate Jaredıs feelings. Ikemıs anger was strong and his
language was hurtful as well. Jared feels hurt, confronted, bewildered, and
uncertain of what to do. Jaredıs intent was probably not to inflict pain
but to employ humor. And the debate about his wrongness or rightness is an
intellectual one, and does nothing to address the feelings.

We can be intimate or we can be right. So instead of hashing out positions
on race, ethnicity, etc, which are valid discussions, it is usually more
helpful to acknowledge the feelings first, and when that has passed, and the
intimacy restored to a degree, then the discussions can occur in a safe
atmosphere.

So I am just trying to honor how everyone feels about what has happened, and
it has been upsetting. I was sorry to see the breakdown of trust. The
Œcommunityı depends upon a feeling of open sharing. I hope we all can agree
that this is what we want, and from time to time peopleıs feelings will get
hurt and they will get angry by what someone said, right or wrong. And its
ok to express anger. A good start would be ³ I feel hurt by what you said.²
Its not about blame. Feelings are not judgments.

This is what I try to practice, after many mistakes of my own.

Best

Robert Wright

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